Monday, March 21, 2011

The Most Horrible Woman on the Planet!

Both Amy Suzanne and I were looking forward to the famous "flag lowering and gate closing ceremony" at the Wagah Border between India and Pakistan.  Ever since I had seen this video on YouTube about this wild ceremony (that occurs each and every day at sundown!!) - I could not wait to go!!  I hadn't realized when we first began to talk about making a journey to Amritsar, that the famous border-crossing was just a short drive away from where we were staying!!  How exciting!!  Even more exciting was the fact that our guide told us to bring our passports because a foreign passport got you seats in the very best part of the bleacher-style seating!!

We arrived amongst a literal crush of people!  The security (as you can imagine!) was extra-super-special-tight and everybody had to go through a metal-detector (not a big deal...we have to go through a metal-detector to go to Q-Mart in Banjara Hills and virtually any mall in Hyderabad!).  But in addition, each person had to get a pat-down search before they would let you in.  It was a bit of a madhouse...a couple of Indian soldiers on horse-back did some basic crowd-control when things got a little tight. This included threatening, but never quite hitting people, with long sticks.

They separated men from women going in for the metal-detector and pat-down...our guide stayed with me until the end...and then waved good-bye as I went in...  It was a little disconcerting being separated from Amy in that crush of people...but we had picked a place to meet and I found her straight-away.  When we got all sorted-out...she pointed at this lady...a fierce-looking older German woman (see photo of her at the top of this post) with a menacing scowl.  Amy said... "That woman right there is just horrible...she was pushing in line and I told her to stop it...and she yelled at me... f---ing b----!!"

I chuckled because Amy is generally a real dove when it comes to confrontation!  Anyway...on to the bleachers for the ceremony!!

As I said...our foreign passports got us great seats....and we were comfortably seated with a nice PIO (Person of Indian Origin) - a sweet girl with a heavy Australian accent....and began to do some serious people-watching....  The Indian side is much more crowded - and much louder...there was chanting ("Jai, Jai, Hindustan!!") and was very much like a college football game-day atmosphere!

The striking thing is on the other side of the border-gate....on the Pakistani side.  I saw one section with very brightly-colored clothing and the other bleachers were filled with people in fairly drab colored clothes.  It didn't take me long to figure out that it was because the men were not allowed to sit with the women in an Islamic Republic like Pakistan.  Chalk up one victory for freedom for the India side!!

The Pakistanis would shout something and the Indian side would chant back louder...this went on for some time.  Suzanne didn't know what to  - she did the only chant she knows...the chant for her Deloitte PSW cricket team...the "Stunnerz".  Here is a cute video of that that I posted on YouTube:

Amy chanting "Stunnerz....Stunnerz...."

Then the actual ceremony's sort of like war without actually being war...the two sides are dressed in colorful uniforms and hats...and they march around like something right out of Monty Python's "Ministry of Silly Walks"

It's part peacockery and part cockfight warm-up....I have another short video that I took as the festivities began:

Our Visit to the Wagah Border Ceremony

Here is also a link to our Facebook Photo Album:

The Last of Our Vacation Photos (Volume Four)

The whole thing probably took only 20-minutes beginning-to-end.... but it was really worthwhile...I am so glad we went.  The people were all dismissed and an orderly (sort-of) parade headed for the exits.  Here is where things got a little off track.

Now...dear friends and readers of "At Home in Hyderabad" ...please know that I am not particularly proud of what happened next...but - this blog has always been about here's the unvarnished truth...

Amy and I were walking down the bleachers toward the road below us.  We stopped briefly to check out the scene and decided that it was best to go to the right (toward the parking areas)  - - a much better plan than going the way the police were suggesting...back behind the bleachers the way we came in.  As we were nearing the bottom of the stands...perhaps two steps up...Amy grabbed the hand rail and - - a women runs directly into her arm.....Aims turns around to protest...and sees who it is. guessed it.  "The Most Horrible Woman on the Planet" - - that beastly German broad was directly behind Amy Suzanne!!

What happened next actually shocked me!!  This horrible excuse for a human being PUSHED Amy from behind...HARD...and she stumbled a bit and landed on both feet on the street below.  Then something snapped!!

In a blind rage after seeing my wife get pushed from behind...I grabbed the woman by the throat really hard...and pressed both of my thumbs into her scrawny neck and Adam's apple.... I screamed at her in the most gruff-sounding and severe way I could muster:

"If you ever lay hands on my wife again you bitch, I will f---ing kill you!!!

Her squinty eyes bugged-out behind her sunglasses like a stepped-on toad - - and she looked genuinely scared.  She should have been!!  I have never been that pissed-off in my life!!  I let go of her neck with a strong push and she began to walk away briskly...

Her husband saw what was happening and came up and said something to me in German.  He was a fat beer-soaked little geek of a I yelled right in his face... "And f--- you, too!!"  He asked the rhetorical "F--- me?"... but then he saw my wrath as well...and decided it was best to skedaddle.  Two young Indian fellows saw the incident and one says to me in perfect English... " better cool it...." and motioned for me to notice three very armed soldier/police-types who looked as if they would just love to throw some crazed American into their jail!

During the walk out to our waiting guide and our car...Amy was holding me back because my dander was still up and I was still ready to kill that horrible lady.  I finally calmed down with the help of some gentle words of thanks from my wife...and we never saw those miserable German pantloads again...

And that, my friends, is the story of "The Most Horrible Woman on the Planet"


  1. Good grief! Funnily enough, I'm actually rather proud of you. But do please be careful in future!

  2. I was moderately proud of myself at the time... Yeah... care needs to be taken... I have watched "Abroad and in Prison" (or whatever that thing is called) too many times...not fun!

  3. "Jailed Abroad".....and glad I wasn't - thank the Good Lord! there is a runner up for this category; I think you know who. Just kidding, couldn't pass up the opportunity for the jest. I was only "joking"! (saying this get's you out of trouble in India, apparently)Hope you are well and all calmed down now.

  4. Ha ha,I'm surprised she let you take her photo?.

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